Dear drugs…

So, I wrote this as my Goodbye Letter to drugs. I was in rehab for the second time and facing prison for the third time.

I am taking all the necessary actions to avoid it, most importantly, staying clean. At this point, my last use was 72 days ago (05/04/2015). I have all the faith in God above, that, no matter what, He will take care of me. Thy will, not mine, be done in my life today….

Dear drugs,

In the mirror all I see,

once was a beautiful face.

Ten years gone by,

straight down the drain.

And time you can’t replace.

Wrecking havoc,

breaking hearts.

You tore apart my soul.

Stolen dreams,

broken bonds.

Incompletely whole.

Kill, destroy,

Tear down walls.

To you, it’s just a game.

You won’t be happy,

no mercy from you.

Till you’re running through my veins.

Honor, respect,

dignity.

Nothing for you to gain,

Husband, kids,

family.

No one is safe from the pain.

Under your spell,

just following orders,

losing the freedom to choose.

An AWOL soldier,

behind enemy lines,

not much that I wouldn’t do.

“Jails, institutions, death,” “Oh my,”

it’s all that’s left waiting for me.

As the dust settles, a moment of truth,

and a tall glass of clarity….

Time to clean up, get my ass straight.

Quit pushing off all of the blame.

Chasing the dragon wasn’t fun anymore.

I’m tired of playing your game.

And if I find myself still missing you,

after a long stretch of time,

please go away. Don’t you dare slow down.

Nothing stronger than a made-up mind.

As a whisper,

you always start,

in the corner of my head.

Breaking through to ignite a fire,

like a lover in my bed.

Jealous, desperate.

Needing air,

hot and white you’ll burn.

All-consuming.

Draining all life,

at the point of no return.

“Cunning, baffling, powerful.”

You whisper in my ear.

“Why are you running away from me?

Don’t you know I’ll always be here?”

“A hit, a snort, a rock or two,

one is ALWAYS enough.”

Do no harm, “Trust in me.

Go ahead call my bluff.”

And then…..

A knot is tied.

A rope is thrown.

Knuckles no longer white.

A solution freely given to me,

To aid me in the fight.

A list of steps,

A Higher Power.

More hopeless than hopeless can be.

A ray of sunshine,

and amazing grace,

once blind,

but now I see.

So I brace myself,

to walk away.

Getting stronger every time.

With my mind made up,

no looking back,

to leave you far behind…..

Copyright 2015

My name is…

My name is Amanda… and I am an addict… People often take those words for granted but for ME, when I say them in public, in a meeting, to myself, in general, what I am REALLY telling you is… I was a liar… I was a thief… I ran with a gang… I dealt drugs… I used drugs.. I used needles… I broke into cars… I broke into houses… I went to prison… I wore white… Multiple times… I was emotionally unstable with everyone within arms-length… Family… Boyfriends… Husbands… Friends… Kids… Dealers… Users… I committed almost every crime imaginable to get my next high… So, when I tell you that… I am telling you ALL about myself and my PAST. I am also effectively taking all the power out of it and I am NO LONGER embarrassed by WHO or WHAT  I USED  to be… Today, I am not defined by my past, because I don’t live there anymore. Recovery is not a hobby… It has become a way of life… So, call me a “junkie”… Call me an “addict”… Label me however you please… I am at peace with my past… Today, I live to follow that “still, small voice” and nothing else.. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

June 30, 2010

Alcohol/Drugs produced problems in my life. I was unable to control my drinking/using and the result was catastrophe. I hurt people. I endangered my health. I ruined my productivity. I became lonely. I felt isolated. I was forever getting into arguments. The police were often involved. People who loved me had to walk away from me for their own sanity. Alcohol/Using made my life a mess!

Today I can see this and I am glad I made the spiritual decision to refuse the first drink/drug. Today I am getting my life together. I am becoming a productive citizen. I have friends and relationships again. But
I need to remember that I must never forget: Alcohol/Drugs + Me = Problems.

“My Experience” by Amanda

To my past…

The purpose of sacrifice now is for some important goal down the road. Maybe I should be looking forward to the future rather than backwards at the past. Maybe I should look at simplicity more, rather than the complex. More outwards instead of inwards. When it comes to the demons lurking around in the basement of my soul, I’m scared to death of what’s bumping around in there. I want to run away and never think about it again. Escape is what I am looking for, not confrontation. Maybe I’ve already learned, through a lot of pain and suffering, a valuable lesson that would change my life in some unknown but positive way. Maybe, in the end, this will all work out for the best.

Immunity…

I have come to the realization, that no one is immune to the potential power of drugs and alcohol to cause a good person to do bad things. That’s my theory anyway. The idea that drugs make you do stupid things and make good people bad when they are under the influence and out of control. I like this theory because it eases my conscience, to a certain extent– under the influence, even good people do bad things. If I could just learn from what happened, perhaps I could be better prepared the next time I used. I didn’t have to stop using, I just needed to exert more control, be a little more respectful of drugs and what it could do to me. Right??? Stinkin’ thinkin’. My license to think was revoked a long time ago, starting with that first drug.

A single mistake can jeopardize an otherwise pristine life; on the other hand, a perfect life can offset the damage of a serious mistake. “All we like sheep have gone astray”–that’s from the New Testament. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone”– that, too, is from the New Testament. “All things work together for good to them that love God”–you guessed it, the New Testament. The real test, I’ve been told, of a man’s character is not the mistakes he makes but the way he responds to them.

Chapters of My Life…

Chapter 1

I walked down the sidewalk and fell into a deep hole. I couldn’t get out and I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to get out.

Chapter 2

I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again. I couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t my fault. I really had to struggle to get out.

Chapter 3

I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again. This time I understood why and it was my fault. This time it was easier to get out.

Chapter 4

I walked down the sidewalk and saw the same big hole. I walked around it. I didn’t fall into that hole.

Chapter 5

I chose another sidewalk.

-Portia Nelson

(20th-century American writer)

If you love me….

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL
IF you love me let me fall all by myself.

Don’t try to spread a net out
to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me).
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see
it.

The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me…..The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours….the sooner I will arrive….and on time….just right where I need
to be…me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead…resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.

In the beginning as I start to climb out….I just might slide back down, but
don’t worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.

Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t do this for me…I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well.

It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don’t know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me….but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don’t clip my wings before I can learn to fly….nudge me out of your
safety net….trust the process and pray for me…..that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar.

faith….

i think god is something that people use to avoid reality. i think faith allows people to  reject what is right in front of our eyes which is that this thing, this life, this existence, this consciousness or whatever word you want to use for it, is all well have and all well ever have. i think people have faith because they want and need to believe in something, whatever that may be, because life can be hard and depressing and brutal if you dont.

i dont know what i am opening myself up to. is it god or something higher? is it me or what is around me? does it matter, do i need to know? it matters because it is what is keeping me together. this opening is allowing me to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. i need to to continue to believe in it so i can continue to believe in me. i need to know what it is. i need to know what opens me?? i have to belive in something, it is what is holding me together.

when in doubt….

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He who died,
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! loves me still,
When I’m very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high,
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He will stay,
Close beside me all the way;
He’s prepared a home for me,
And some day His face I’ll see.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

//
//